What 3d shape has seizures?

An epileptic parabaloid.

Why is a cat making strange noises like a bijection from x -> x?

One has a purr mutation, the other is a permutation!

How do you find the probability that the proposition "this land is by the sea" is true?

Using Bay-esian statistics

Why did Euler break the wall?

He Leon-ed hard

Who loves to sing diagonally?

Cantor.

What do you call two things in your freezer that look the same?

An ice-omorphism.

Why is Yellowstone Park computationally expensive?

It uses a lot of rams!

How do you find the most relevant spices quickly?

Use SageRank.

What operating system should you run if you've been castrated?

Eunuchs.

Why is a pair of lawn ornaments like Pascale's Triangle?

They both use the bi-gnomial theorem.

Why was the computer science intern cutting up an atlas?

His boss told him to use map reduce.

What's it called when you make Indian food, only putting in one ingredient at a time?

Currying.

How do you cook an arbitrary path through a graph?

With a random wok!

Two men were looking at a treasure map. It had many different labels, clues, and names for the different locations on the map. Finally, one of them pointed to the field labeled "0xDEADBEEF" and said "The treasure is there. Let's go." "Are you sure?" "Definitely."

Sure enough, once they dug for a few minutes, they found a large treasure chest buried in the field. "How did you know it was there?" asked the second man. "Simple," replied the first. "Hex marks the spot."

What happened when the programmer offended the witch again?

She re-cursed him.

2 walks up to 3. "You're looking good today," he says, then walks away. 3 says to 4, "that was strange." "Never mind," says 4, "that's just 2's compliment."

How do you differentiate sheep from each other?

Use lamb-da calculus

What's an advanced theorem about distributing pickles among jail inmates?

The Prisoners' Dill Lemma

What part of a matrix tastes the freshest?

The determi-mint!

It's 10 PM. Do you know where your child processes are?

What type of data structure has the most cats?

A lynx list.

What do you do when you have too many pastries on the stack?

Pop Tarts!